“Look—we all know I’m more fun.”

INTRODUCING AN EXCITING NEW FEATURE OF CONCEITEDLY CAPTIONED

It recently came to my attention that you can view ALL the submitted captions for a given cartoon. This gave me an idea: get a life and give up on the caption thing. And then it gave me a better idea: mine the captions for hilariously awful ones, which I accurately predicted are extremely abundant. Starting this week, I give you the worst, and if I ever come across it, best, of the New Yorker cartoon caption submissions.

"Do you have any gum? I seem to be having trouble hearing you."

"That's the last time we shop at Saudi Costco just because the motor oil's cheaper."

“Do you mind taking a look at my manuscript?”

“I need you to fax this for me. And where’s my danish?”

We at CC apologize sincerely for being complete wastes of life for the last two months. I mean, what were we doing? I can't even remember a single thing. Please prepare yourself to be hit in the face with hilarity below as we make up for lost time. I haven't even bothered to list the New Yorker's chosen captions anymore. It's just not worth anyone's time.

"The candlelight really brings out the color of the lacerations on your wrist."

"I bet you didn’t expect this when you were in the back of my trunk.”

“After you, I insist.”

"We recommend that you keep the refrigerator on the left side."

"For being made of gold, it gets surprisingly good lift."

“Hang on, the damned wifi cut out again.”

"This is the daintiest avalanche I've ever seen."

"I’ve definitely never seen one like this before."
“It’s a scare-flake.”
“Wish I could say I was impressed, but I saw one just like it last week.”

"These, on the other hand, are no laughing matter."

"Don't listen to that other guy—here's the real ones."

"Sorry, the paparazzi are everywhere these days."

"I was cleaning out my joke drawer and found these!"

"I don't understand why you're not taking this more seriously."

Avant-Avant-Garde

MANIFESTO: DELIRIOUS NEW YORK(ER CAPTION CONTEST)
or, When Cap(italism)tions Go Awry

Premise: The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest functions as an anchor for the upper-middle-class in our post-post-modern world. Entrenched in our collective consciousness as the be-all-end-all of contemporary cosmopolitan "humor," it has ceased to be a human enterprise and has instead become a sort of Modernity-Masticating Machine, feeding on the sub-par comedic upchuck of a sedate and self-satisfied populace.

Call to Action: The time has come to Stop Chuckling. Stop Snickering. Stop Silently-Laughing-Only-In-Your-Head. In this brave new world, our only option—if we are to truly manifest our humanness, alive and awake to the True Comedic Cacophony of our times—is to GUFFAW AS IF OUR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT! (Because they do.)

Solution: SUBVERSION...........

A warning shot

classic form:

"...with a side of antihistamines, please."

"Can I get that with 1200 sides of clover?"

"I'm sorry, you'll have to speak louder."

literal form:

"These bees are annoying me, as is your unibrow."

"I am in extreme pain."

abbrev'd

"Just wait 'til The Foot shows up."