“Look—we all know I’m more fun.”

INTRODUCING AN EXCITING NEW FEATURE OF CONCEITEDLY CAPTIONED

It recently came to my attention that you can view ALL the submitted captions for a given cartoon. This gave me an idea: get a life and give up on the caption thing. And then it gave me a better idea: mine the captions for hilariously awful ones, which I accurately predicted are extremely abundant. Starting this week, I give you the worst, and if I ever come across it, best, of the New Yorker cartoon caption submissions.

"Do you have any gum? I seem to be having trouble hearing you."

"That's the last time we shop at Saudi Costco just because the motor oil's cheaper."

“Do you mind taking a look at my manuscript?”

“I need you to fax this for me. And where’s my danish?”

We at CC apologize sincerely for being complete wastes of life for the last two months. I mean, what were we doing? I can't even remember a single thing. Please prepare yourself to be hit in the face with hilarity below as we make up for lost time. I haven't even bothered to list the New Yorker's chosen captions anymore. It's just not worth anyone's time.

"The candlelight really brings out the color of the lacerations on your wrist."

"I bet you didn’t expect this when you were in the back of my trunk.”