Monday, December 6, 2010

"Can I get a horn-compatible headset for the new temp?"

I would like to begin this first post back from Conceitedly Captioned's 1-month hiatus with a recap of some critical events that have occurred since our last entry:
1. NASA scientists discovered a bacterium that can synthesize its DNA using arsenic [holy shit!!]
2. Americans celebrated Thanksgiving 2010 by guzzling 675 million pounds of turkey
3. Sam gloriously performed the complete Goldberg Variations from memory
4. I gloriously shaved my legs [full disclosure: ran out of time for the top half, but there's always next month]
5. Did I mention that there's a bacterium that can live on arsenic??!?!??

In other, less thrilling news, our captions continued to be overlooked for the verbal equivalent of fecal matter—this despite the fact that, in my far-from-humble opinion, ours just keep getting better and better. Part of this improvement is probably due to the fact that we've harnessed the latest technology (i.e. Google Docs) to streamline our caption creation process. No longer forced to use sticky notes, or text while barreling down the Interstate, we can now edit our captions in the same document in REAL TIME! It's amazing. And creepy, because watching the other person type something is sort of like receiving messages from the Other Side through a Ouija board. (That is, if the most important thing the dead have to teach us is why a pirate is acting as a bank teller.)

Contest #262 had a real humdinger of a cartoon: a woman talking to a guy in his office while a unicorn stands behind her in the doorway. As a childhood lover of unicorns, mostly the Lisa Frank variety, this was a real treat. We kicked off the brainstorming per usual with some hearty Wikipedia-ing, but after this initial unicorn research led nowhere (apparently the only real facts about unicorns are that 1) they can only be tamed by virgins, and 2) their horns have vague "magical powers"), we turned instead to the banalities of corporate office life as the main source of our caption humor. Here's what we came up with:

"Can I get a horn-compatible headset for the new temp?"
"This customer would like to discuss our no shirt, no shoes policy."
"Hey Ted, does our insurance still cover hornoplasty?"
"Apparently the Pegasus in Sales hasn't been keeping his wings to himself."

Pretty hilarious, non? And to make them seem even more hilarious, here's The New Yorker's chosen Top Three:
“Your three-o'clock hallucination is here.”
“I couldn't find the three-hole punch.”
“Ring toss at noon?”

Oh. Come. On.

Regardless of that week's ludicrous loss, though, we definitely did not slow our rapid ascent into Caption Nirvana—especially because, as of this past week, we've been receiving at least one weird omen every few days that we are definitely going to win soon. From a disgusting dream of Sam's to a strangely applicable "Unsmooth Move" on a can of Keystone, all signs point to YES (OH GOD YES): we are totally going to win this week. And in order to log all of these accumulating omens, we may or may not, at my suggestion, be starting a companion blog for ConceitedlyCaptioned:—don't even pretend that you won't read it, rabidly.


  1. and by "unsmooth move," she means "smooth moment." if you were trying to subtly convince us that you don't throw back a 'stone every night after work, Alissa, (that is, if you do, actually, work) consider your pathetic attempt a failed and uncovered one.

  2. Hey, Alissa, was there a unicorn in the My Little Pony collection as some weirdly-related plaything? I'm sure if I searched hard enough, I could come up with one in the stash of old toys...
    Champagne all around when you win the caption contest? :)