This week, dear reader, we abandon the usual format in favor of a more scientific approach. To invite your participation, we will be having our own vote on the captions in question. If you haven't read the New Yorker back cover recently, this is your perfect opportunity to falsify, or more likely not, what we all know in our hearts to be true: that Alissa and I are the unicorn's horn, if you will, of this captioning universe.

So here are seven captions, randomly ordered, for your judging pleasure. Three belong to Stephen Domesick (sweet name dude), Edward Wierenga, and Sean Farrell, respectively.

1. "You're such a light sleeper."

2. "Is this one of those side effects we should call the doctor about?"

3. "Now don't you wish you hadn't done so many helium shots?"

4. "You need to cut your toenails."

5. "I suppose you want me to go upstairs and turn off the electromagnet?"

6. "Does this count as a preëxisting condition?"

7. "Hang on, I think Ron left the pillow glue in the guest bedroom."

For the record, one of those--Alissa's--has already met the universal condemnation of everyone we know. I no longer endorse it. All to be revealed another time.