The results are in

"Look, do you want CPR or not?"

In keeping with our monthly theme, "science and whatnot," we momentarily interrupt this Conceitedly Captioned Stream-of-Awesomeness to alert you to the following sciency news, which is by far the most important thing you've ever read (on this blog). For all of human history, one problem has plagued us continuously without reprieve. For millions of years, people have suffered. Lives have been damaged. People have been annoyed. While numerous solutions have been proposed, none has ever met with consistent success. Today, we celebrate the end.

I refer, of course, to the hiccups. All you have to do is drink a full glass of water while someone rubs your earlobes.

By the way, that was completely serious.

And now that we've got that out of the way, I can tell you about the most important thing you'll ever read, period: by unanimous vote I have officially won the 1st annual Conceitedly Captioned Cartoon Caption Craptacular with my caption "Is this one of those side effects we should call the doctor about?" As a practicing Scientician, I now congratulate myself for skewing the data to give the result I determined in advance.

Well I've certainly beaten that science metaphor into the ground, huh? Let's get back to what I do best, ie judging other people for being less funny than I am. Exhibit A, from Lawrence Wackerman of Hicksville, NY (no seriously), referring to the cartoon above:

"I started last summer when this was a pool."

Oh, I get it! So like, sorta how I started reading that caption when I thought it it might be funny, but then I kept reading and it wasn't. Wait, actually, even the beginning is stupid. However, we can expand on that thought in order to possibly salvage its latent, ironic hilarity:

"I started last summer when this was a pool. Now it's winter. I guess they turned it into an ice rink for winter. I know, right?! Took me by surprise too! But it makes sense, you see, because we live in a temperate climatic zone, so the weather is quite a bit colder in winter. Cold enough to freeze water, apparently! Which is actually good, cause otherwise my lifeguard chair would sink. Ha! And do you see a backup lifeguard to save me anywhere? I didn't think so. Anyway, I guess I just kept working through the entire fall, without a single break. Can you believe nobody questioned what I was doing, until now?! I mean, you'd think they'd've fired me, or at least told me, huh? Golly, have I left out anything else that's incredibly obvious about our current situation I've described to you? Oh yeah, I'm really fucking cold, so gimme your scarf."

Bam! Now there's a caption. But in the realm where pithiness is prized, I prefer these:

"How's the weather down there?"

"Look, do you want CPR or not?"

"Last week's shark attack was pretty brutal."

and "With the climate changing the way it is you can never be too careful."

Now, compare that last one to this one, from Van White of Anaheim, CA:

"There's a warm front coming in this afternoon."

See how they're both making the same sort of joke, ie "I'm here cause this is gonna be a pool in the future when the ice melts and turns into water and the skaters are all stranded" but one of them exploits a real, slow-moving phenomenon (climate change) in an ironic manner, while the other one just comes out and ruins the whole thing with a completely unrealistic explanation of the scenario?? Don't you see what's happening here???