“Do you mind taking a look at my manuscript?”

“I need you to fax this for me. And where’s my danish?”

We at CC apologize sincerely for being complete wastes of life for the last two months. I mean, what were we doing? I can't even remember a single thing. Please prepare yourself to be hit in the face with hilarity below as we make up for lost time. I haven't even bothered to list the New Yorker's chosen captions anymore. It's just not worth anyone's time.

"The candlelight really brings out the color of the lacerations on your wrist."

"I bet you didn’t expect this when you were in the back of my trunk.”

“After you, I insist.”

"We recommend that you keep the refrigerator on the left side."

"For being made of gold, it gets surprisingly good lift."

“Hang on, the damned wifi cut out again.”

"This is the daintiest avalanche I've ever seen."

"I’ve definitely never seen one like this before."
“It’s a scare-flake.”
“Wish I could say I was impressed, but I saw one just like it last week.”

"These, on the other hand, are no laughing matter."

"Don't listen to that other guy—here's the real ones."

"Sorry, the paparazzi are everywhere these days."

"I was cleaning out my joke drawer and found these!"

"I don't understand why you're not taking this more seriously."