INTRODUCING AN EXCITING NEW FEATURE OF CONCEITEDLY CAPTIONED

It recently came to my attention that you can view ALL the submitted captions for a given cartoon. This gave me an idea: get a life and give up on the caption thing. And then it gave me a better idea: mine the captions for hilariously awful ones, which I accurately predicted are extremely abundant. Starting this week, I give you the worst, and if I ever come across it, best, of the New Yorker cartoon caption submissions.

As I quickly became aware from browsing, these can be separated into a few categories.

Excessively wordy and extremely unfunny:

"It's wall-street investors like me that keep you fed and in stylish hooded robes - so a little 'thank you' every once in a while wouldn't hurt you too much would it?"

"Well Stew it's great to see you employed again. I see that the stimulus money helped train you for a new career while still allowing you to use your old skills."

Random short ones:

"Man up!"

"Chop, chop."

Dozens and dozens and dozens of submissions based on the same puns:

"Off with the headers!", "Off with the letterheads!", "Off with the footers!", and, my favorite, one submission of "Off with these margins!"

Awful captions with political agendas:

"destroying the pages of George W. Bush's new book on a guillotine will make every one who works for the stock exchange, including me, happier."

"This is all that's left of Obama's health care plan and it's to be destroyed!"

"It's the Constitution. I'm a Republican."

Lewd puns:

"A Sale of Two Titties--my ill-conceived attempt at porn."

Some guy who intermittently submits always in caps:

"THE HEAD BOSS WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU DO HAIRCUTS."

"THIS SQUARE BOOK WONT FIT THRU THE HOLE SO USE A AX TO SHRED IT." no I am not making these up

"IT'S ALSO GREAT FOR MAKING COLE SLAW." what???

Umm, I dunno, weird rants of some kind, with profuse and consistent swearing:

"Hey you, 'Jedi knight': Why don't you step away from the cigar cutter and fill out this fucking census form. I'll even let you use my ball-point 'saber' forged in the far away fucking galaxy of OfficeMax." okay, calm down, bro, it's just a caption.

"I see “somebody’s” homework is conspicuously absent from the pile again. What’s your fucking excuse this time, you worthless fuck? Too busy playing dungeons and dragons with your dick out and your neck in a tourniquet?"

Oh, gawd, and I only went through like 1/10th of them. This stuff is gold I tell you, gold. TUNE IN AGAIN.