“After you, I insist.”

"We recommend that you keep the refrigerator on the left side."

"For being made of gold, it gets surprisingly good lift."

“Hang on, the damned wifi cut out again.”

"This is the daintiest avalanche I've ever seen."

"I’ve definitely never seen one like this before."
“It’s a scare-flake.”
“Wish I could say I was impressed, but I saw one just like it last week.”

"These, on the other hand, are no laughing matter."

"Don't listen to that other guy—here's the real ones."

"Sorry, the paparazzi are everywhere these days."

"I was cleaning out my joke drawer and found these!"

"I don't understand why you're not taking this more seriously."

Avant-Avant-Garde

MANIFESTO: DELIRIOUS NEW YORK(ER CAPTION CONTEST)
or, When Cap(italism)tions Go Awry

Premise: The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest functions as an anchor for the upper-middle-class in our post-post-modern world. Entrenched in our collective consciousness as the be-all-end-all of contemporary cosmopolitan "humor," it has ceased to be a human enterprise and has instead become a sort of Modernity-Masticating Machine, feeding on the sub-par comedic upchuck of a sedate and self-satisfied populace.

Call to Action: The time has come to Stop Chuckling. Stop Snickering. Stop Silently-Laughing-Only-In-Your-Head. In this brave new world, our only option—if we are to truly manifest our humanness, alive and awake to the True Comedic Cacophony of our times—is to GUFFAW AS IF OUR LIVES DEPENDED ON IT! (Because they do.)

Solution: SUBVERSION...........

A warning shot

classic form:

"...with a side of antihistamines, please."

"Can I get that with 1200 sides of clover?"

"I'm sorry, you'll have to speak louder."

literal form:

"These bees are annoying me, as is your unibrow."

"I am in extreme pain."

abbrev'd

"Just wait 'til The Foot shows up."